it’s musky aroma
dirt, grass, atmosphere
grey-blue, sometimes green ominous clouds form a line
i’m watching
the smell of life
like a pacifier to my brains broken down wares
a promising refreshment
and a dewy lawn filled with ducks at dusk or dawn
Category: Daily Entries
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slip through my fingertips baby, if you need to
I don’t want to grip too tightly on you
I only hope you find another love that’s true
And maybe again I’ll find someone like you
-
Is this what it feels like
To be safe
Being me
Seen
Embraced with ease
Streams inside me
Waiting to break free
Do you have the key?
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to start
2, 3, 4, 5 p.m.
espresso
6 p.m.
illusions
buzz
productivity
but is it real?
10 p.m.
fuzzy
page 10
midnight
15 more
dreams
out there
outside
-
well why not?
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letting go
one
by
one.
my fears
drip
drop
dry.
let go, love
you.
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warm late spring air
a robin’s call caressing my eardrums
the ground beneath my feet
the smell of the incoming storm
the lingering smell of coffee from the morning shift
the first few drops from the sky
I sit in peace with the robin
cars driving by
the wind blowing some leaves into my lap
I am still
quiet and alone
used to be so loud
quiet and alone
is now peace
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Shadow work is an important part of developing your spirituality, but it can be very difficult. I struggle with this myself, especially when it comes to realizing my own ego, traumas, etc.
Most people I have heard of do shadow work through journaling. Journaling can be hard especially for people who have a hard time creating and keeping to any particular schedule (like me). In my opinion though, we can also do shadow work though our everyday lives. By analyzing our actions as we do them and just thinking about what we are doing and thinking instead of going through everyday life like a robot.
The goal of shadow work seems to be acknowledging and recognizing reasons for your actions and thoughts and overall reactions/feelings to things, so that you can see your “dark side”, your ego, unhealed wounds, whatever it may be.
Here is a little brainstorm of stuff you can ask yourself, whether you write it down or just think about it in your head.
for anger:
- am I really mad at this person for what they did or is this coming from something else inside me? (reminders of past issues, trauma, etc)
- what is it I am really mad about?
- am I even truly angry?
- is this that big of a deal to be as angry as I am right now?
- how did I handle this situation and could I handle it differently?
for sadness:
- where does this come from?
- am I letting myself feel or am I more upset because I am trying to suppress my feelings?
- am I taking my feelings out on the other person or myself?
- am I maybe sad about something else and letting it come out at something else entirely?
for other frustration:
- am I really bothered by what is happening, or it it some other reason?
- do I really need to be worrying about this?
- why does this bother me so much?
Essentially, for any feeling, ask yourself why you feel the way you do and if you need to react the way you are, or if you are making something ultra important that does not need to be.
For deeper shadow work, journaling and meditation could be good. To really get down to the root causes and spend time healing them. I think these two are good together, actively being aware in your day to day interactions and thoughts and changing them, healing them as much you can, taking care of your inner self and inner child as well as digging deeper and deeper to do the deepest healing possible.
- To note, I think for some it is beneficial to go to a therapist or have someone to talk to as well. You do not have to deal with everything yourself.
For journaling, maybe find a way to make yourself able to do it. For me, this online blog is the best way I have been able to get some thoughts out while occasionally keeping extra personal ones to myself. (Either in a pretty journal, or the notes of my phone, or in my head while meditating or laying down etc). Finding a way to motivate yourself yet not get mad at yourself if you don’t always journal is key. Think of it as a way of spiritual self care and healing. If you share it with others, your struggles could even be a way of helping heal others – and maybe that would be your motivation.
Some promts:
- what are some things that trigger you to act or feel any certain way that maybe you cannot control? when have you yourself done those same things that other people have triggered you with? where does it come from?
- what motivates you? what keeps you going? now, what takes your motivation away? why? when did this start? do things come easier now than before or vise versa?
- how do you think people see you, and how do you see yourself? what does this conception stem from?
- what are your worries right now? what is worrying about them? now continue to write the reasons why you are worried about the previous thing. the results may make you realize you could be worried for reasons you may need to spend time healing.
- who belittles your emotions the most? how does it make you feel? now, ask, do you also do this to yourself (if you did not say yourself at first)?
- what do you hate? why? (keep asking why).
- what frustrates you? why? (keep going till you find a root cause).
- if you could write a letter to the person who hurt you the most, what would it say?
- did you feel heard as a child? talk about it. in what ways might it be effecting you now? in what ways might you be doing the same to others?
- what is your biggest regret in life? why?
- what is your biggest fear? why?
- what are you most afraid of? why?
- do you feel safe? why or why not?
- are you happy? why or why not?
- what are you still holding on to against someone? why?
- what are you still holding on to against yourself? why?
- do you ask for help? how do you see asking for help? why?
- how do you feel about your emotions and showing them to others? why?
- what makes you happy? what makes you unhappy?
- think about important people in your life. what could you improve about these relationships?
- do you hate anything about yourself? what is it? why?
- what is an emotion you feel that brings out the dark side in you? how often do you feel it? why does this happen/why might it happen? when did it start?
- are you giving yourself the space to feel your emotions?
- are you giving the people around you a space to feel safe and feel their emotions?
- are you respecting others boundaries?
- are you respecting your own boundaries?
There could be more, but this is a start of a list. Anything you think you might need to address counts. Good luck on you the healing journey.
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skating
on the clouds
in the clouds
where ?
unsure
supposed to be
planted
sprouting
earthed…
time
a concept
blended –
when did it start to feel chilly ?
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On January 5, 2020 I left for for a country on the other side of the world, completely different, when I hadn’t even been to any countries than the US & Canada. On March 21, 2020 I found out my wonderful time was being required to come to an end, a choice I wouldn’t have made at all.
My last few weeks in Thailand were ones I will remember for the rest of my life. It was spring break, then classes were switched to online/canceled for week, so it was like a two week spring break instead of just a week. I started out going to Bangkok by myself, stayed at an airbnb with a nice view, met up with my now boyfriend a lot, hung out, and then went to Phuket with other friends from study abroad as well (and later-on my (now) boyfriend and his friend would come along as well). I saw elephants, beautiful beaches and islands, wonderful sunrises and sunsets, rode motorbikes, and just went with the flow of things.
I came to Phuket without an airplane ticket back to Bangkok, unsure of when I would want to come back. So, when everyone else left Phuket my boy and I had some time to relax by ourselves before coming back to Bangkok, then I had planned to go back to Hua Hin for school again.
I planned on coming back pretty late, pushing my time in Bangkok to the fullest amount it could be because I enjoyed it much more than being in the smaller beachside town of Hua Hin. Turns out, it was for the best, because classes were cancelled and I ended up staying in Bangkok that entire next week. I had a great week just chillin, watching movies, and walking around with my boy. Then, all of the sudden, people were starting to want to go home. I convinced my parents that it was a better decision for me to stay in Thailand. Then, the next day, the US decided to raise their travel alert to a level 4 and I had to leave and go back home. Can I say, that is the worst way to end the best few months of your life, no exaggeration.
Right at the time when I was feeling the most at peace, the happiest I think I have ever been overall – I had to leave it all. I had gotten into my routines, found what I liked and made me happy, I was not ready to leave. I am still right now pretty pissed off that I had to leave, but I know that despite the fact it was cut short the few months I spent really changed me forever. So now after all of this complaining, I want to talk about the best parts.
- The sound of the birds. The birds are so loud, and so different from the birds in Maine or in Missouri. I got used to the sound of this one bird that would start very early in the morning and basically go on the entire day and night. They really should make just a sleep sound or relaxation sound just with these birds because they sound so wonderful and peaceful every day. (video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ZtcEGYeSd8&feature=youtu.be&fbclid=IwAR1fhShDgA5aXufGd1AeRElFVkDY_eKDpl6QWvxTFRobMJwgswHXx0XQTPA for the bird sounds of course)
- The street food and markets everywhere. There was always really good and pretty cheap food anywhere I’d go – and it wasn’t like the street food of NYC like hotdogs and that crap, but really good fried rice and pad thai and other assortments of good food. And the markets – loaded with things full of color everywhere, the amount of color I saw everyday in Thailand so satisfying and beautiful and honestly improved my mood.
- The temples. Every temple was just so beautiful I had just never seen anything like it.
- The tropical climate. While it took a couple weeks to get fully used to after coming from winter in Maine, once I got used to it, the hot weather was amazing. Any day and every day can be a beach day, any day and every day you can get outside and enjoy fresh air, read a book, talk a walk, do whatever you’d like. I wasn’t there during monsoon season of course, but the warmth was very nice.
- Motorbikes. Once I got used to the motorbikes, even though I didn’t drive them, they were pretty awesome. You can go anywhere and everywhere, you get to feel the wind through your hair and on your face, it’s just wonderful.
- City life in Bangkok. For some reason I have this thing, I just really love public transportation and really hate my car – and the MRT and BTS were really clean and nice when I could take them. Not on the same level of convenience as NYC’s subways, but a lot cleaner.
- 7/11. Man do I miss 7/11. 7/11 had everything you could ever want or need, these really yummy jelly beauty drink things, all kinds of snacks, some had coffee they made there, they had amazing Oishi honey lemon green tea that I 100% became addicted to. (If anyone can send me some, I’d love you forever). I just want one of these 7/11s here, and within walking distance.
- Bubble tea & Thai tea. I really didn’t realize how much I liked these until I got it a few times while in Thailand then all of the sudden I was hooked. I miss the availability of these drinks!
- Thai food. At first, I didn’t really like thai food as much. But as I grew accustomed to it, I was starting to really like some of it. Now I really miss it.
- Great people. I met some really awesome people while I was there, and that’s always the best part of going anywhere.
- Not hearing about american politics, any kind of stupid idiotic crap that I hear all the time at home (like on social media and stuff that I would ignore more when I was away), less outright rude individuals with no respect for others – it was just a nicer place to be.
Honestly, the way I was living so carefree there made me realize that that kind of life if the one I need to live all the time, anywhere I am at. I also realized I might be much happier getting away from the United States – sorry y’all – but the whole air everywhere here is so fast-paced and kind of rude a lot of the time and so not peaceful (and a lot of ignorant as well, shoutout to STL in particular – again sorry but true). The way I was stressed out all the time before and pushing myself to do too much (shoutout to all the online classes and 18 credit hour semesters on top of 20-40 hour work weeks!) was way too much, and the people I used to hang out with – not all of them were so good for me. I know how to be more at peace now than I ever knew before (but this quarantine is really testing that hard).
So here are some more photos from my trip that I did not post in the last one, all from February – March. 🙂
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all the above camera photos are from the Phuket area… so now time for the others…
e.d.m. 