I always think a lot and I am in my head a lot while I am at school, but really all the time. But today I was at school most of the day. I have been having trouble with creativity in some areas at school lately, almost as if because someone is telling me to be creative I can’t be. I have plenty of ideas I have come up with lately and things I am inspired by but for some reason in my classes I can’t think up much-just for my own personal things. So right now I am just going to list some things I have thought of in the past or recently that I haven’t done, so they’re here all in one place written down, and maybe I will think of something for school too. If not oh well, but I just did a meditation on Headspace for creativity so I hope that helps.

• A series of work with audio from the place it was taken. So that viewers get a more immersive experience and it is more multimedia like and cool. Pictures do a lot on their own but it would be fun to explore more senses rather than just visual.*
• A series of work on the joys of life, doing happy things, happiness, acts of kindness. Things that bring me joy. Audio? Photography? Quick sketch? Need to explore other art forms as well. Video?
• Take photographs and meditate in one spot for a few minutes. Take audio of talking about the delights you are seeing around you. (This one and the last was inspired by “The Science of Happiness” podcast episode from April 4, 2019 Delight in the Unexpected.)*
• Social issues. Homelessness in STL.
• Series days or weeks or months in the life of families and their kids. Home dynamics. Reality.
• More abandoned schools in STL. Fashion shoots inside?
• Take pictures on Woods Road in Grover.
• DOG portraits.
• Horror themed in abandoned spaces.
• Do more photojournalism, get people’s names, social issues in STL, political activism, HONY.
• Do more projects like David Hockney-like the one you already did in high school, but more. FRAME them and make them look really cool. Explore not only time but add social issues or people or politics into the mix? Marches?? Maybe just portraits? CUBISM (many viewpoints of the same thing)?
• Polaroids every day – daily life – daily pictures? One a day. Things that are significant?
• Who am I? What am I feeling? Audio too?
• can’t think of anything for school.
• Food photos? Coffee?
• Instagram type shots but make them cooler.

There are a lot of things I could do or would like to do. None of these work for my projects.

Another thing big on my mind today is my place in the church. I grew up in the church, but now I haven’t been in so long. I am not sure where I stand because of the politics. I am writing a paper that is a feminist critique of Christianity-how it oppresses women. I was already questioning if I even am one anymore or not (and honestly I am not sure how to reconcile by political beliefs and beliefs about the world and the politics of the church, if I even still am religious I would 100% practice it very differently than how we did growing up). Buddhism and other religions like that are so interesting, philosophy (especially environmental ethics and feminist philosophy but also everything) I am really good at and I am really interested in it, and being so inspired by these things that often do sort of contradict what I heard from the church in the later years really makes it hard. That sentence was a ramble that probably doesn’t make sense. But anyways, I am not sure where I stand. People (if I did want to still be one) would criticize the way I am one. But you know, that isn’t a big deal because screw them. I at least know I am spiritual in some way even if I am not a Christian anymore. I think I still am but definitely not in the traditional sense, especially since I am bisexual. I don’t know who will read these things now or in the future, but hey parents if you see this and it is before I ever tell you that. Yes I have known since the 8th grade but never told you. Dad thinks bisexuals don’t exist. Perfect example why I didn’t. Also thought you guys would put me in conversion therapy since you didn’t even let me have a therapist that wasn’t a Christian one that one time. I really didn’t want that considering I was what, 15 or 16 (I don’t know) and questioning my faith. I didn’t really want to open up to that lady. She was terrible when I did the only one time. Really sucked. Just so you know.

Anyways, back to thinking about my paper. I am extremely interested in this topic. Whether or not I end up still in the church, I think it would help people who are (if I do it well) figure out their place and maybe it can point things out to people so people start to interpret things differently or stop using religion to oppress women and keep us in our patriarchal roles. News flash-Jesus wasn’t sexist. You can interpret a lot of things in the text not like that, so please do. Even going back to the Hebrew and shit, y’all just interpreted shit in a bad way sometimes. I know these ideas are foreign to a lot of people because they challenge so much, but try it. Maybe that will be how you evangelical churches can get more of a young following that aren’t middle class (to high class) and white. Maybe then we’d stop leaving!

I kind of went on a rant on this post. I am just kind of riled up. I thought now that I’d say that I want to let everyone know not to think about things like that too much. I get really into it and I get overwhelmed and pissed off. I have to find ways to calm down and really focus on bettering my mental health and be more positive in a world like this, because that definitely isn’t the only topic that gets me riled up. Some ways to do this that I do and things I need to start:

• Meditation EVERY DAY. Headspace is your friend (9.99 for students for a WHOLE YEAR SUBSCRIPTION!)
• Yoga (have yet to do this).
• Unfollow social media accounts that don’t inspire. Follow creatives, artists, friends. Unfollow most brands, any kind of shopping thing, make sure you’re inspired by what is on your feed. (Still working on this).
• Think positive thoughts.
• Get rid of material items you don’t need.
• Fill your space with things that spark joy. Light incense every other day to calm your senses.
• SLEEP!
• Read more.
• And more.

Maybe meditate more than once a day, like you did today, it very much helped. This stuff is very important to mental and spiritual health. Very much need to do this. (Side note, thought dump here: read that Islam book. You keep saying you will and don’t. I know you’re interested in it. At least read the parts about Islamic Philosophy).