sea foam green
rocky shore
little bee
knocking at my door
hello little bee
you gave me quite the fright
he showed me his home
in the cove
on the rocky sea shore
*August 12, 2021
Tag: meditation
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as the fog rolls
the tourists go
to their homes
the story goes
in the cove
telling of faeries of old
forest of shrooms
seagulls sing their tunes
the fog horn booms
sit and listen to the tunes
this misty afternoon
waiting for the moon
*August 12, 2021
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clover bed under my feet
i rest, not asleep
awake
aligned
attuned
an ant is on the move
a dove
a cicada
the breath of a pine
gentle caress of the wind
tiny insect traversing the blade of grass
i think
lucky i am to experience qi
human-animals have not yet transformed
parasite to fruitful soil
presently i rest
i retain hope of reconciliation
select human-animals fight
water protectors
fight for qi
human-animals must fight the problems we create
live for qi
i feel the exhale of my friend pine
i am now deep in mystical sleep
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Individual resting on their motorbike on their phone in Hua Hin, Thailand on January 25, 2020. Every morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.
BuddhaOn January 7th of this month I arrived in the first country I have ever been in outside of the US (besides Canada), and one of the furthest destinations I could have chosen, Thailand. After a 14/15 hour flight from Boston to Hong Kong, a 3 hour layover, then a 3 hour flight to Bangkok, and on top of that a 3 hour drive south – I arrived in Hua Hin.
I came in with no expectations, I had never known much about Thailand, in fact before Webster I had never really thought about Thailand at all, let alone did I know it was a country that existed that may be an option to experience sometime in life. The only reason I even knew Thailand existed was because I had tried Pad Thai a few times and heard of a few people I know really enjoying Thai food or Thai milk tea.
However, whatever expectations or preconceived notions I had (that I didn’t even realize) were challenged. Thailand is a beautiful country so far, and I have only seen Hua Hin, Cha-Am, and a few national parks so far but I think it is safe to say that the whole country is going to be amazing. Hua Hin has an amazing night market, it has malls (one with a cheaper but cooler basement for buying more than just normal mall things), amazing food (Thai AND others), amazing beaches, a more artsy night market (Cicada – which is way more up my alley with amazing artists and skilled jewelry makers, henna artists, etc), and around here we have a great look out, we’ve seen monkeys, and stray puppies (and their mom). Pretty much everyone here is friendly, but you do have to look out for people trying to charge the tourist price instead of the normal price or people in general trying to get extra money out of you. There are beautiful Buddha altars at most places, including where I stay at. The workers bring out orange juice or other drinks and light incense, and there are a lot of shops selling the items to create your own altar. I have seen also the phenomena of putting way more people on a motorbike than should fit, including families with more than two small children. There was once when a family was driving not a motorbike but some cart and a child, no older than 6 just hopped off/fell off almost into the street and they almost got hit. People here drive with more relaxed rules, and in addition they drive on the other side of the road which is difficult to get used to. I think I expected Thailand to have less of the things I am used to, like Hua Hin still doesn’t have a Shake Shack or a place to get good mac n cheese but they do still have at least two Starbucks, a Burger King, Mcdonalds, AND a KFC (interestingly enough). AND 7/11 is a BIG thing here, they are not run down like the ones at home – they have a lot of food and different items you may need. I also didn’t expect to like the food that much since I am not usually into asian food, but I really grew to love it. I also realized I can’t push myself to do too much spicy food, my irish taste buds just will not get used to it that quickly (I will get literally dizzy and light-headed if I eat something too spicy & too much of it too fast).
Besides the obvious differences I will continue to experience and grow used to, I have also experienced a lot in my own thoughts and personal life already in just this first month. My 2-year relationship that I originally thought was solid ended pretty much right when I got here after a few days of communication issues (before and after arriving in Thailand). At the same time, I was trying to get myself to open up and make friends (but I tend to be more introverted in situations with more people that I don’t know or aren’t comfortable with). The combination of these two situations were not so great to begin with. I really wanted to go home and be with my close friends, but I made myself (thankfully) stick through the first few weeks and just talked to friends over the phone and through texts and used these new experiences to help myself realize that this is the one time in my life I will be doing less school (only 12 credit hours) and not working at the same time, near a beach, and I need to let myself experience it happily and not mope around. After a few weeks, I have met a lot of wonderful people who are really kind & fun to be around who make studying abroad in a place outside of my comfort zone (at sometimes emotional times) that much better and enjoyable.
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I have also realized the importance of meditation, mindfulness, and relaxing instead of being go-go-go all of the time. Sometimes it is okay to spend a whole day relaxing in your room if you need it, and sometimes it is a day to go out and spend all day at the beach reading a book. Some days are days to hang with a few people and take my camera everywhere I go, and sometimes it is just a day to experience whatever without taking photographs at all. Remembering that every day is a new day, and like the Buddha quote above – what you do today is what matters most. Work is not everything, conflict is not everything, we should not worry too much (so much so that it affects us too much) about anything. We should live in the here and now, and that has been the most transformative thing for me during this first month away from home in a place where nothing is familiar. The best experiences I have had so far have been when in my head I was in the most here-and-now mentality instead of being in my own world – which have mainly been during national park visits and at the beach and a few times at the market.
I have taken a lot of photos while I have been here, some on film and some digital and some just on my phone, just of all of the things around me – the best being when I was the most mindful of the environment around me.
Collection of my digital images from January 10-January 30, 2020. All in various places in Hua Hin, Cha-am and at a National Park. This experience has been great so far and I can’t wait to see what is next.
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Picture of Prince Taken on 3.25.2017 I always think a lot and I am in my head a lot while I am at school, but really all the time. But today I was at school most of the day. I have been having trouble with creativity in some areas at school lately, almost as if because someone is telling me to be creative I can’t be. I have plenty of ideas I have come up with lately and things I am inspired by but for some reason in my classes I can’t think up much-just for my own personal things. So right now I am just going to list some things I have thought of in the past or recently that I haven’t done, so they’re here all in one place written down, and maybe I will think of something for school too. If not oh well, but I just did a meditation on Headspace for creativity so I hope that helps.
- A series of work with audio from the place it was taken. So that viewers get a more immersive experience and it is more multimedia like and cool. Pictures do a lot on their own but it would be fun to explore more senses rather than just visual.*
- A series of work on the joys of life, doing happy things, happiness, acts of kindness. Things that bring me joy. Audio? Photography? Quick sketch? Need to explore other art forms as well. Video?
- Take photographs and meditate in one spot for a few minutes. Take audio of talking about the delights you are seeing around you. (This one and the last was inspired by “The Science of Happiness” podcast episode from April 4, 2019 Delight in the Unexpected.)*
- Social issues. Homelessness in STL.
- Series days or weeks or months in the life of families and their kids. Home dynamics. Reality.
- More abandoned schools in STL. Fashion shoots inside?
- Take pictures on Woods Road in Grover.
- DOG portraits.
- Horror themed in abandoned spaces.
- Do more photojournalism, get people’s names, social issues in STL, political activism, HONY.
- Do more projects like David Hockney-like the one you already did in high school, but more. FRAME them and make them look really cool. Explore not only time but add social issues or people or politics into the mix? Marches?? Maybe just portraits? CUBISM (many viewpoints of the same thing)?
- Polaroids every day – daily life – daily pictures? One a day. Things that are significant?
- Who am I? What am I feeling? Audio too?
- can’t think of anything for school.
- Food photos? Coffee?
- Instagram type shots but make them cooler.
There are a lot of things I could do or would like to do. None of these work for my projects.
Another thing big on my mind today is my place in the church. I grew up in the church, but now I haven’t been in so long. I am not sure where I stand because of the politics. I am writing a paper that is a feminist critique of Christianity-how it oppresses women. I was already questioning if I even am one anymore or not (and honestly I am not sure how to reconcile by political beliefs and beliefs about the world and the politics of the church, if I even still am religious I would 100% practice it very differently than how we did growing up). Buddhism and other religions like that are so interesting, philosophy (especially environmental ethics and feminist philosophy but also everything) I am really good at and I am really interested in it, and being so inspired by these things that often do sort of contradict what I heard from the church in the later years really makes it hard. That sentence was a ramble that probably doesn’t make sense. But anyways, I am not sure where I stand. People (if I did want to still be one) would criticize the way I am one. But you know, that isn’t a big deal because screw them. I at least know I am spiritual in some way even if I am not a Christian anymore. I think I still am but definitely not in the traditional sense, especially since I am bisexual. I don’t know who will read these things now or in the future, but hey parents if you see this and it is before I ever tell you that. Yes I have known since the 8th grade but never told you. Dad thinks bisexuals don’t exist. Perfect example why I didn’t. Also thought you guys would put me in conversion therapy since you didn’t even let me have a therapist that wasn’t a Christian one that one time. I really didn’t want that considering I was what, 15 or 16 (I don’t know) and questioning my faith. I didn’t really want to open up to that lady. She was terrible when I did the only one time. Really sucked. Just so you know.
Anyways, back to thinking about my paper. I am extremely interested in this topic. Whether or not I end up still in the church, I think it would help people who are (if I do it well) figure out their place and maybe it can point things out to people so people start to interpret things differently or stop using religion to oppress women and keep us in our patriarchal roles. News flash-Jesus wasn’t sexist. You can interpret a lot of things in the text not like that, so please do. Even going back to the Hebrew and shit, y’all just interpreted shit in a bad way sometimes. I know these ideas are foreign to a lot of people because they challenge so much, but try it. Maybe that will be how you evangelical churches can get more of a young following that aren’t middle class (to high class) and white. Maybe then we’d stop leaving!
I kind of went on a rant on this post. I am just kind of riled up. I thought now that I’d say that I want to let everyone know not to think about things like that too much. I get really into it and I get overwhelmed and pissed off. I have to find ways to calm down and really focus on bettering my mental health and be more positive in a world like this, because that definitely isn’t the only topic that gets me riled up. Some ways to do this that I do and things I need to start:
- Meditation EVERY DAY. Headspace is your friend (9.99 for students for a WHOLE YEAR SUBSCRIPTION!)
- Yoga (have yet to do this).
- Unfollow social media accounts that don’t inspire. Follow creatives, artists, friends. Unfollow most brands, any kind of shopping thing, make sure you’re inspired by what is on your feed. (Still working on this).
- Think positive thoughts.
- Get rid of material items you don’t need.
- Fill your space with things that spark joy. Light incense every other day to calm your senses.
- SLEEP!
- Read more.
- And more.
Maybe meditate more than once a day, like you did today, it very much helped. This stuff is very important to mental and spiritual health. Very much need to do this. (Side note, thought dump here: read that Islam book. You keep saying you will and don’t. I know you’re interested in it. At least read the parts about Islamic Philosophy).
e.d.m. 